Devotion to Anxiety has an ulterior motive.
It keeps me Awakening to Me, Enlivening into Life
Breathing leads the Way!
Devoted to Anxiety? What’s that about? Seems odd!
After all, who wishes to exist in a sea of angst?
Anxiety has riddled through my nervous system for most of my life. Out of breath,
insomnia, fearfulness, racing thoughts, impatience, low frustration levels during major
changes especially when I experience myself as incompetent and fierce anger at my
supposed helplessness of it all.
I have to say I have adapted quite resourcefully but those resources have changed as I
have grown. I have engaged healthy mechanisms and not so healthy mechanisms to
keep the unnerving sensations and emotions at bay. Anything not to feel that debilitating
gremlin but that little bugger wouldn’t give up on me. It had a message to deliver and
“gosh darn it”, it was going to complete it’s mission.
So what’s the benefit?
Waking up to me, the whole me and nothing but the me.
Resource 1: I engaged in athletics like running, biking , swimming, tennis which helped me gain “control” over my own domain and feel the strength that wanted to pour out of me.
Resource 2: I used narcotics, alcohol and food to numb what was just too much to endure.
Resource 3: Monkey Mind is a kissing cousin which is a total loop in constant motion to keep me really really busy and to not notice anything going on inside. Can you relate?
Resource 4: The PRACTICE OF Conscious, Connected, Deep, Full, Consistent Diaphragmatic Breaths which bring the subconscious realm into my Conscious Awareness for full Integration. The option for CHOICE become clearly apparent.
In 1991, I dropped into a yoga practice after my hips gave way from the
pounding that the running produced after a couple of really bad car accidents. That was a tough transition to give up that runner’s high and to go from constant movement to a more contemplative practice.
Nevertheless, I found a sense of beauty within myself the
moment I stepped on the top of the yoga mat and placed my hands in prayer position
above my head. I had never felt so safe, so hopeful, so beautiful in my entire life. Who
knew that I would keep this sacred space and maintain the utmost devotion to it. I was
home but little did I know that the party had just begun.
They call yoga a “practice” not a “workout” for a reason.
Breathing is a practice also. We do it all our lives but its a matter of just how conscious we are of our practice that makes all the difference in our internal environment and external experience.
Actually, our lives are made of one celebratory segment after the next if we allow
ourselves to believe in our essential nature as pure unconditional luminous loving light
energy. Each of our efforts towards self love and joy based living is a Herculean effort
championing the birth of our new world.
What has changed and how did it unfold?
Well, it’s not over yet!!
First, it is imperative that my perspective starts to shift in which I view any experience.
The way I see it is anxiety, fearfulness, frustration, impatience, overwhelm, anger and any of these other force fields of protection are a way in which we human beings shield ourselves from what might otherwise feel like the energy of
–ANGER …. energetically might feel like the sensation of a bolt of lightening striking at us like an energetic dagger but once integrated it might be perceived as excitement, electric, charismatic influence to move forward, self-defining and self-determination. A reclamation of the authenticity screaming for expression.
–ANXIETY… energetically might feel like bees buzzing in our ears, pins and needles in the limbs, chaotic exchanges, disarray but once integrated it might be perceived as an unending infinite smorgasbord of potentialities and possibilities from which to choose. Endless high frequency energy in which to serve the world. So much goodness to process and metabolize. How much joy can this little body embrace?
–OVERWHELM…energetically might feel like a downward spiral or free fall with no anchors in which to be attached or due drops of potent emotions dinging, bouncing and tapping at a unknown organism from all angles prompting a spacey, lightheartedness or the desire to completely retreat. Once integrated it might be perceived as a self-relational tool…an internal quest for silence, stillness for the sensitive, tender, open-hearted being. A place where organic boundaries are naturally framed out and the realization of our true tenets in this experience we call life become clearly apparent.
The psyche community calls these emotions a defense but that makes it sound heavy and hard. I think of it as a way in which we resourced ourselves in a very early, energetically open and vulnerable time in our lives.
It’s degrees of AWARENESS that makes our evolution so EXCITING!
I wish I could tell you my experiences have all been met with GRACE and ease but that
has not been my
constitutional viewpoint. In my world, anything worth having has to be hard to obtain or
else my psyche denies it as worthy. That is changing though.
Can you relate? What a conundrum!
To move from hard to soft had to be a gradual
process to eliminate the element of
striving. It was like Grace would slither in
between the cracks of my conscious
knowingness when I was not looking to show
me a unfeddered landscape of
I was signaled by the divine to give myself
permission to feel any and every single
solitary thing. No holding back. Nothing is too much. Be limitless in my expression,
every nuance, every iteration, the shadow included!
In opening myself up to this I was met with the ultimate beast.
Trust with a CAPITAL T.
Can I TRUST in the unknown?
Walk into unchartered territory or back down into a familiar comfortable anxious state which served me so well for so long. It is like tearing off my right arm…saying good bye to my best friend for life!
My personal Mantra unleashed itself from my mouth without a thought behind it.
“It’s safe to not know,“ she whispered in my ear.
She prods me, “Say it my love. Say it out loud and with the boldest of strokes to
integrate this hidden aspect into your current reality.
Reclamation! Union! Soulfulness embedded in physicality forever!.”
What a concept for a girl that really likes to “know”. Stepping into that unchartered
territory and feeling into the abyss of uncertainty can be the most liberating experience
when I allow myself to sit still with it. My brain quiets, anxiety subside, my heart opens
and boundless levels of infinite intelligence gently caresses by beingingness.
All by allowing!!
AND, THE MINUTE IT PASSES I WANT TO RECREATE IT. I WANT TO DO IT. ALAS, THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. IT’S MY NON DOING THAT SETS THE SCENE!
She is gentle with me, allowing time to metabolize each graduation of emotions to gain
some semblance of my inner world. Then In a nano second, I return. I return to the
desire to “know”. How did I do that? Was it me that did that or was it the mysterious,
mystical unknown that led me down a path in which is unfolded.
Alas, another teaching, more practice,
more non-doing lays the foundation. Stillness speaks more clearly.
Even the wanting to know how to “not do” is doing.
cosmic joke with which I have engaged the Universe.
Let it be! All will be revealed in its own time. Be patient my child. All is well.
So what is a constant consistent AWAKENING!
What does that mean anyway?
It’s different for everyone but the boundless levels of embodied heightened awareness supports us in every experience. Full embodied acceptances guides us towards a life of peace, calm and presence. This improves our physical well being, emotional world and spiritual connections and subsequent choices.
All through our very own breath!
The next time you have a pronounced emotional experience, describe it in scientific terms. Describe it as a quality of energy. This will allow the attached story be removed and neutralize its significance to you.
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